Webnovel

Honestly, it’s a rather short story. It’s a great concept, but really not that pulling. Especially in the way it’s written. 

It feels like you’re just outlining the plot, honestly, with no actual story being written out. It feels like an outline. 

The side characters aren’t introduced, nor is anyone and no world building is attempted. There isn’t any sort of actual story, in my personnel opinion. You need to outline the setting, the sort of place she lives. Is it a city? Perhaps a small town? What time period is it? What people does she know? 

Make that the introduction, and continue the story from there.

Is she a young adult with dreams? Show her thought process. Does she feel angry? Frustrated? Worried? What solutions can she think up? What can she do to fight the issue in the story? Who can she call for help? Does she have anyone? 

As well as that, you need to build side characters. They are essential to making the story feel genuine. You don’t have to build them in detail as much as the protagonist, but make them have distinctive personalities and make them somewhat of a factor in the story. They have emotions too- use those emotions against the protagonist. Side characters can become angry, jealous or frustrated at the protagonist. Some might be able to be master manipulators, who knows? It’s your story. 

As for the personalities- Is one of them particularly chirpy? Is one of them brooding? Make sure they have their own quirks and aren’t NPCS

How did she meet her friends? Where? Are they new friends?  

You need to add dialogue, animating how the character goes about her day and such. What’s her morning routine? What’s the events that go on in her life? How does she meet the people in the story? What’s her past?

 What’s a good plot point? You need some sort of plot hook to hook the reader.  Maybe she walks into work and finds out she’s fired. There is a variety of things you can do to give the story interest, and make it hooked. Do this in the first few chapters. 

World building is important. You can animate her doing a variety of things.
Continue writing! It’s a fantastic concept and improving your writing does require practise. Try reading a few books or fan fictions- it really helped me personally to pick up on how it was written before I started posting fanfiction. Read them especially in the genre you’re trying to write in. 

It’s a great start, but this is more of an outline. 

Let your character grow, let them have character development. What views do they have at the start that change? What opinions! Maybe she’s rather prejudice towards people struggling with money at the start, and grows an understanding. 

You’ve got to give her opinions at the beginning, hint at them in a subtle way. 

Good luck!