Chapter 1: 1. A Cliché Beginning?
Looking up towards the sky on the New York streets , standing in a white wedding dress and trying to think about how my life turned into a clichéd fat woman story. Being the object of everyone's jokes, never being understood. Taking the role of the best friend of the female lead even in my own life. I hated myself and my life. My self-esteem was in the gutters and my confidence was no where to be found.
Today began as the happiest day of my life but I never thought that it would turn into the worst.
I just wanted this life to be over. I wanted to start over but I don't think that I have the courage to that. To face my parents, my co-workers and my 'friends'. To say f*ck it all and start a new life. A life where I valued myself even before somebody started valuing me.
I know I am supposed to say that it was that moment I realized that I had hit rock bottom but that wasn't the case. It took me nearly four years to finally get my sh*t together and be able to face the world.
I wallowed in self-pity for four months. I locked myself in my apartment. Lived on takeouts. Burned through all my savings and tried my best to eat my feelings. Watching TV all day, crying over a bastard who didn't deserve me.
All the hateful comments and insults disguised as 'jokes' were playing on a loop inside my head.
'Hey, fatty'
'Ow, fatty got upset on being called fat'
'how did a fatty like you scored a stud like that?'
The reason for my self-pity and self-hatred were not these comments or even my weight but my best friend f*cking the stud (who was my soon to be husband) and being oblivious to the fact that their act was streaming live in the room full of guests. People who had come to witness us professing our everlasting love for each other.
What's even worse is that the duo didn't even show an ounce of shame and had the audacity to say these words to me,
'A fat b*tch like you thought that you would be his wife'
And I know for a fact that my parents even felt the same. Even though, they could never say it to my face.
That was point when I hit rock bottom and had a nervous breakdown. I was so accustomed to the toxic environment that I didn't know how much it had harmed me, mentally, psychologically and emotionally.
I was so pessimistic towards life. I was in denial that I had depression.
My so called family and friends abandoned me. They even congratulated my fiancé for having gotten rid of me.
After four months of humiliation, I decided that I could not take anymore and decided to end my life.
That was the first time that I tried to commit suicide. That was the beginning of end for me or so I thought.