How should I start, I wonder?
Oh, I see. Alright, I think this is where I should start. Actually, it's quite hard without a script. I hope I don't stutter.
Have you ever thought to yourself what the purpose or purposes of your life are? If you were to ask me—I probably won't answer with yes or no. Why? Because I myself don't even know what is the answer for that.
Sometimes, whenever I'm bored, I always think of things that are unusually being talked about. Like, how many steps do we walk every day; or how many strand of hair do I have.
And sometimes… no, once. It happened once where the whole world slowed down in my perspective. It's probably just my delusions, to be honest. At the same time, I also thought I was floating or lying down on a cloud which gracefully hovers in thin air.
I'm an idiot to think that.
But what strike me the most is how much I have seen at that time. It's not just because the world is like in slow motion, but it feels like I can see almost every tangible thing I could see.
I can see the busy street, the broken lamp which is now fixed, the headlights of the cars, the children, a certain house's lawn, the people looking at me with fear, and a truck in front of me.
It's not that I can only see. I can also feel my body.
At first, I didn't know what it was, and I actually can't distinguish if I can feel my body or not. Then my whole body started to sting as the world started to slowly regain its normal speed. I don't know if my consciousness is coming back or was it fading away. But I felt my back coming in contact with something really hard. It was so hard that I think something broke.
Then the world became red, literally.
And when I thought I already took my slumber, I actually did not.
Everything is white, everything is white. White, white, white, white, and white everywhere.
Then all of a sudden, everything became black and I felt a strong pain in my chest.
You're wrong if you think this is all a dream. But to be honest, I thought it was also a dream. But then I emerged from the depths of the darkness where I do not know if I belong there or not. I'm confused as to where I should really go. But I realized that I belong where 'he' wanted to be.
From the start, I unconsciously followed 'him' wherever he goes to and I'm just tailing 'him.' No, not 'him'…
Yes, I am who I am.
We're not separate from the very start. I'm bound to something I don't need to escape. I realized it was me, the real one. And I was bound to accept the reality whatever happens to me.
Then because of me, it turned to white once again. It was once white, then it became black, and it went back to being white. In those two colors, I already dwelled. But I wonder how I look like in the middle of the two.
Does the world really have colors? If so, are they vibrant or dull?
And I saw a proof. Yes, the world has colors, but they are neither vibrant nor dull. It always stays at the very midpoint.
I am so confused as to why it is always like that. Then I realized that it does not stay in one place. Sometimes, it gets vibrant, and sometimes it's duller. But that's just how it goes.
But when the colors of the world become vibrant, it's very pleasant. I see smiles on their faces, happiness and love. And those things that you see is what you feel too. You can smile, you can find happiness, and you understood and felt love in its many ways.
It made me think: "If only the colors of the world stayed vibrant just like how I see it right now with my very own eyes."
That won't happen, to be honest.
For me, time flows only in one path. There are no parallel paths where we can turn to or take a detour. I guess time is like a desert. Every grain of sand in there is the every possibilities that you can think of for the next second, minute, day, year, or future in general.
And in one of those grains of sand is chosen based on what we act on. The future is not something one can control. We may think that the outcome of that something pleased our wants, but one single wink or even a change of direction of a dust can change anything.
The law of time is as it is and it can't be changed.
Now, I ask myself again.
What is the purpose of my life?
Honestly, I still don't know. But the one confusion in my mind was answered.
Where do I belong, actually? Do I belong on the black, or on the white?
I'm on the middle of the two. There is light, and there is darkness. If there's a light, then there is a shadow. I discovered that I am a shadow that is always attached to someone.
And while I'm a shadow, I'm not black. I'm still in the middle.
But what am I? In the middle of black and white, there is another color.
Yes, that is what was present, but it's not me.
I belong in that gray, but in that gray is where I belong…
I realized... it was normal, boring beginnings. But who knows what will happen in after five or six baby steps.
Five steps remaining.